The Horror Character's Guide To Survival

Anyone that watches horror movies can point out a number of stereotypical situations in which a character may get killed. If you were a character in a horror movie, the following tips just might help you survive until the end of the film.

• When it seems that you've killed a monster, never, ever check to see if it's actually dead.

• If you find out that your house was built near a cemetery, had previous tenants that went mad, died in some horrible way or committed suicide, move out immediately.

• Never, even as a joke, read a book of demon summoning out loud.

• Never search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

• When you are in a group, never pair off and definitely don't go alone.

• If your friends plan a midnight party in the town's old, abandoned building don't go along.

• Try not to solve puzzles that are destined to open a portal to hell.

• Never stand anywhere near a tomb, crypt, grave, or mausoleum.

• If you are searching for something that just made a noise and you realize it is just the cat, you will leave the room immediately if you value your life.

• If any of your appliances start operating by themselves, its time to move out.

• Never borrow or take anything from the dead.

• Expect to trip or fall at least twice if there is a monster chasing you, and probably even more if you are female.

• Stay away from certain geographical locales including Transylvania, Elm Street, and Amityville among others.

• If your car runs out of gas late at night do not go to any nearby deserted phones or houses for help.

• Don't play with or make fun of dead things.

• If you find a town that's abandoned, take a hint and stay away.

• If a meteor strikes near your house, move out of town.

• If something bad is chasing you, remember that no matter how reliable your car is it will probably have trouble starting.

• Never sign on to do a sequel, you won't survive.

• Never follow strange lights.

• People arriving to help rescue you are sure to be ambushed by the killer, so don't be surprised or delayed by encountering their corpse.

• Never do anything someone dares you to do.

• If you assist the villain in the film, do not expect them to show you gratitude in exchange for your help, they will probably kill you anyways.

• Whatever you do, do not keep anything cuddly as a pet and if you do, do not ever let them out of your sight.

• If you land on a distant planet and find any objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.

• If someone important says Do Not do something, then by all means listen to them.

• If you are using a gun to hunt whatever is chasing you, find a new defense as you will ultimately run out of bullets no matter how much ammo you have.

• If you lose a few body parts along the way, take this opportunity to replace them with weapons, ie: chainsaw hand.

• If you are wounded by zombies, give up, eventually you are going to be one of them.

• If you are a female, never show your breasts, the characters that do never survive.

• If you hear footsteps don't go upstairs to check it out, get out of the house.

• Never pick up the phone to call for help, the line will be dead, and the monster/killer will be right behind you.

• Self sacrifice is not a good idea, the person you saved will probably die anyways.

• Be a believer, skeptics are always proven wrong in a painful, horrible way.

• People that are driven by vengeance always die.

• Mentioning any goals or anything to look forward to in life will get you killed.

• Under no circumstances should you ever go to summer camp.

• Never let yourself feel guilt.

• Stay away from quaint hotels and inns, stick with brand names.

• Never open strange canisters.

• Never turn around, the monster is always there waiting for you.

• If you car breaks down in the woods, take the time to walk the extra miles to town.

• Never work the night shift.

• Don't visit backwoods regions of the United States.

• Always stay on the interstate.

• If someone warns you not to go somewhere, listen to them.

• If you are going to run through the woods screaming, dress appropriately, no high heels or dresses.

• Never tease anyone.

• All legends and myths are based in fact.

• Never break a mirror.

• Never go back anywhere for anything you lost.

• When you walk into a room, turn the lights on.

• Crosses rarely ever work on demons.

• Avoid people with pointy teeth.

• Never turn off down a dirt road.

• If you are a female, wear a rip away blouse, and make sure you can faint gracefully.

• Never walk backwards.

• Always use the buddy system.

• Never be funnier than the main character.

• Don't run through the woods wearing high heels, they will probably break.

• When going down the basement stairs, always send someone else in front of you.

• If the power shuts off don't go outside/in the basement to try and fix it.

• Do not ever go skinny dipping no matter how tempting it may be.

• Never buy a doll that speaks.

• When in a group, always sleep in shifts.

• Stay inside on the night of a full moon.

• Never open the door.

• Keep all your clothes on at all times.

• Don't ever watch a horror movie while you are in one.

• The monster will never be dead until anyone else is.

• If you hear scary music, run.

• Never plan a camping trip if it falls on a Friday the 13^th.

• Choose your friends and even your relatives wisely.

• If you are the main character, take a first aid course, it will come in handy because you will inevitably hurt yourself.

• Hiding in your sleeping bag is not going to make the monster go away.

• If your flashlight batteries die, so will you.

• Avoid old, abandoned cabins.

• Don't cut up the living dead as the parts will come after you.

• Never go back for your friend they are a goner.

• If the young kids in the neighborhood sing songs about the boogieman you should consider moving.

Further resources on surviving a horror movie:

Horror Movie Survival Guide - A list of more tips and trips to help the main characters of a horror movie survive until the end.

Villain Survival Guide - A list for the bad guys, this tells the main villain in the movie how to stay alive.

Horror Survival Guide - Another guide with tips to help characters survive the wrath of the villain in horror movies.

Written by Michael S. Atwood