The theory of a zombie apocalypse seemed too fantastic to be true, until recently. All over the country, a rash of bizarre events may be a signal that a real life zombie apocalypse is upon us. In the last month alone, there have been reported instances of cannibalism, outbreaks of flesh eating disease, unexplained rashes and acts of horrific self mutilation that can only point to one thing – Zombie Apocalypse!!!
The CDC vehemently denies the existence of a virus that can cause you to exist in a zombie-like state, compelled to subsist on human flesh but we know better. It is spreading; they just haven’t identified it yet. Just look at the proof.
- May 27th – a blood-thristy Illinois man grabs and bites off the cheek of an innocent young women
- May 27th – a 43 year old man disemboweled himself and threw his own intestines at police. He managed to continue to resist arrest after loosing his entrails and being doused with two cans of pepper spray.
- May 31st. a 21 year old man confessed to eating another man’s heart and part of his brain
- May 2012 – in the southern US, unrelated incidences of flesh eating disease claimed the limbs and almost claimed the lives of three individuals.
- May 27th – a 34 year old Georgia man got into an argument with a Lowes store employee and attempted to gnaw off his arm.
- May 20th – a Florida doctor is arrested for DUI and while in cuffs, goes into a fenzy, repeatedly banging his head until he bleeds then spits blood at police officers.
- May 26th – a naked lunatic in Florida ate another man’s face and gauged his eyes out on the side of a highway. He had flesh in his mouth when police arrived and continued to eat his victim until he was shot dead.
- May 29th – a California man bites off his cousin’s nose.
- May -Students and staff at two Florida schools are overcome with a mystery rash and need to be quarantined.
You see. Then next time you see a Zombie walk or see anyone dressed in a zombie costume, you’d better think twice before approaching them. They could be the real thing.
I’m no scientist but I suspect the root of the zombie virus can be found in illicit bath salts. Please contact us immediately if you receive any additional information on how the zombie virus is caught and spread. Don’t trust the government! They are trying to divert widespread panic.
In order to protect yourself, follow the rules below: