It’s Spring and most networks are running their finales, but that doesn’t mean that there’s nothing worth watching. On June 12th, the Netflix original Orange is the New Black premiers season 3, and for some, that means thirteen hours of laziness and obsessively binging.
In preparation to revisit Litchfield Penitentiary, we went back and combed through all 26 hours and found eight times when the girls brought some color to prison.
S1/E1 – “I Wasn’t Ready”
Prison is hard, seeing your ex in prison is even harder.
In Piper Chapman’s first few days there she was made a “prison wife” by Crazy Eyes, insulted the food and was subsequently starved out by the head cook, Red. Of course her day doesn’t get much better when she’s approached by the woman responsible for her predicament, Alex Voss.
S1/E5 – “The Chickening”
Apparently chasing a chicken in prison is a punishable offense.
When stories of a mythical chicken in the prison yard are reinforced by a rare sighting of said chicken, the whole place goes nuts. Some of the girls heard it was filled with drugs, other say a gun. Red just wants to make the chicken into a nice Kiev. All of the rumors lead to mass hysteria in the yard.
S1/E6 – “WAC Pack”
Campaigning for the WAC is cause for a Rap Battle in Litchfield.
So, prison is tough, right? Of course – It’s filled with criminals! These ladies know an opportunity when they see one, though. When Officer Healey wants to bring back the WAC, a diverse group of inmates that sits on a counsel of sorts, the ladies jump on the party train. When the campaigning breaks down into an epic rap battle between the girls, we can guarantee that Washington has nothing on these women.
S1/E10 – “Bora Bora Bora”
Pennsatucky thought Dena needed healing touch.
The prison hosts a tour for troubled youth, and a handful of inmates are selected to talk to them. Of course they do their best tough act, and for the most part it works. Crazy Eyes has one of the best scenes of the episode when she busts out with a Shakespearean monologue and it did seem to terrify the girl that was her captive audience. The party happens shortly thereafter, as Piper plays out the long con on Pennsatucky, telling her one of the girls in the bathroom needs a little faith healing. When ‘Tucky’ sees young Dena, bound to a wheelchair, she lays on hands to try and heal her.
S1/E11 – “Tall Men with Feelings”
A prison party, or wake, isn’t complete without some toilet hooch.
Leave it to the ladies of Litchfield to turn tragedy into festivity. With a host of situations coming to a head between inmates, guards, contraband and drugs, Trish dies from an overdose. Even with the racial divide in the prison, each one of the groups sends representatives to Trish’s bunk where her family was cleaning out her stuff. They know that the girls are grieving and offer snacks and even some bunk made hooch.
S1/E13 – “Can’t Fix Crazy”
Norma was definitely the brightest star in the Litchfield Holiday Pageant.
It’s time for the Christmas pageant and everyone is feeling jolly. Sure, Black Cindy giving Piper and Taystee a lesson on the Bible was fitting for the season, but the pageant itself was where the action was at! Crazy Eyes gets stage fright and Pennsatucky finally takes her shot at Piper. Seems like it was a joyous holiday all around! But the shining moment of the holiday was definitely when quiet-as-a-mouse Norma opened up her mouth and sang… just like the Christmas angel that Pennsatucky was pretending to be.
S2/E8 – “Appropriately Sized Pots”
Chemo doesn’t have to be boring – why not make friends and scam a nurse?
Cancer is a scary, terrible thing for any person to go through. Being in prison and having cancer, well… Not a situation you want to be in. Yet, the notorious bank robber Miss Rosa is living just that scenario. She doesn’t let those pesky chemo treatments get in her way of having a little fun with the kid in the chair next to her. In the episode where her backstory is told, she teaches the kid how to run a con and steal right out from under the nurses nose.
S2/E13 – “We Have Manners. We’re Polite.”
We can’t help but agree with Miss Rosa, this one was always so rude.
In the last episode shown to us, there’s wasn’t much to celebrate.
Vee’s girls turn their back on her, Miss Rosa is given only 3-6 weeks to live, and Bennett admits to fathering Daya’s child. All things come to a head and the prison is in a bit of an uproar. Vee takes advantage of knowing about Red’s secret tunnel in the garden and tries to make the great escape.
At the same time, Morello knows about Miss Rosa’s condition, and doesn’t believe that she should have to die in prison. She “forgets” the keys in the prison van, allowing Miss Rosa the opportunity to take the van and run. As she rides free through the New York state countryside, she happens upon newly escaped Vee trying to hitch a ride. But, instead of helping her fellow inmate to freedom, she points the van straight at her running her down, and saying (possibly the best line of the second season), “Always so rude that one.”
So, while Litchfield Penitentiary may not be your ideal vacation spot, don’t count out the fact that these women know how to make prison a bit more tolerable. Season 3 of OITNB streams on Netflix, June 12, 2015, and you can watch in style with prisoner costumes from Costume SuperCenter.